The Traffic is killing me.

As some of you may know, I have significant commutes to and from work. On any given day, I am in traffic for at least 3 hours. To and from community centers around the city, I get to drive in nearly every neighborhood. Now, complaining about traffic is not new, nor is it original in any sense. I imagine that the invention of the wheel and horse drawn vehicles was quickly followed by someone bitching about the noise, dust and general idiocy of riders and drivers.


However, as a long term commuter in the world, I have noticed a rising trend. This trend is defined by one character: The Mega Idiot. Here are some behaviors of Mega Idiots so you, too can recognize and avoid these hazardous people.


The Mega Idiot will stop for one pedestrian in a non-marked crosswalk while simultaneously stopping twenty cars behind them. This misplaced sense of politeness is actually much ruder and more dangerous to many more people.


The Mega Idiot will text on their phone in the car. Look it up. There are many statistics from reputable agencies that demonstrate the correlations between drunk driving and texting. Some even place texting above drunk driving in threatening behavior...


I hope that we can start to apply the social pressure that we have already applied to drunk driving. If you were at a party and someone said, "I think drunk driving is bad!" and someone else replied, "Well, I don't know. I drink and drive pretty regularly and nothing happens to me." People within earshot would be mortified.


However, many people and even perhaps, you, feel the need to qualify the reasons for using a cell phone in the car. If we stop accepting this behavior, much as we stopped accepting drunk driving, the roads will be safer and easier to navigate.

Full Disclosure:

I once destroyed a small tree in a median while answering a work phone. Luckily, no one was injured (other than the poor tree, who did nothing to deserve such a death. Except for that time in the nursery when he filched nutrients from the guy next to him, but that was their issue. Not mine.)

It was then that I vowed to never talk on the phone in the car. Most of you that know me, know that I am a crack driver. I am hyper aware and a general rule follower. I speed. That's about it. When I see a texting Mega Idiot in a car, I feel the sword of Damocles hovering over the next ten miles of traffic.


The Mega Idiot rushes stop signs. How many of you have nearly shit yourselves as a car came hurtling seemingly into your lane only to stop at the last possible moment? When did this become a driving habit? People don't even stop at the sign anymore. Add this to texting and it's a wonder there aren't more deaths.


One last note on Mega Idiots. They are pandemic. Old, young, male, female, every race in America. There is not one identifying feature, other than overwhelming stupidity. If you find yourself engaged in Mega Idiot behavior, trust that you have a conscience and remember this blog.


Here's to your safe commute tomorrow and your blessed return home. May you avoid the Mega Idiots for another day and live to tell the tale.


In fact, please tell the tale in the comments. What is your driving day looking like these days? Is it positive or do you have more Mega Idiot behaviors to add?


Oh, on speeding? I NEVER SPEED IN NEIGHBORHOODS. STOPPING DISTANCES ARE INCREASED WITH ADDITIONAL MPH AND I'M NOT INTERESTED IN CRUSHING A CHILD. Only Mega Idiots do that.