Writing is the best therapy...

In the end there is so much to be thankful for. This is something we all could bear to remember often. We are generally healthy. We have the money we need, or the opportunity to earn it. We are loved.

As you already know, I have been struggling with setbacks and bad luck recently. On one hand, it is something I know that I have no control over and it is reasonable to accept the fact that shit just happens. On the other hand, I have the feeling that my mindset determines my reaction, and that mindset is frankly, depressed.

So, where does the depression come from? Is it internalized anger? Hell, I've been angry since I remember. Why? When I think about it, I have the sensation that it all starts with the way I've been treated by society at large. Ever hear that old adage about how out of one hundred voices, ninety-nine can say that they love you, but it's the one voice that says that it hates you that you hear. Can you imagine what it's like to be unbearably sensitive? That watching someone pick on someone else can be something that hurts me? Things really get to me.

There is no denying that the world is apparently eroding. From the anti-Roma riots in the Czech Republic to the incredibly sadistic Tea Partiers that cheered when the suggestion to let a man with insurance die without medical assistance, I can see that Mean-ness is becoming more and more prevalent. Now, before those of you that are historians go down the road of "human experience is better than it's ever been, just look at the Dark Ages", remember this: Despotic behavior used to be the aspect of well, Despots. Not the general rank and file. The things I witness on a daily basis make me hopeless.

There are many ways to address this sensitivity "issue". I could turn to religion, as my Father and many of my family on his side do. I just don't feel it. If I were pressed, I would say that I feel that organized religion is really just organized fleecing and abuse. There is no real connection a higher power. I personally get no benefit from sitting and listening to a supposed expert on a etherial power explain the one true path to me. They all claim to be the "One True Path." Therefore, logically, none of them can be the one. Is it internal? Do we just have to strive to be at peace with ourselves? This is where I am envious of people who are simpler than I am. What it must be like to not be concerned with all the implications, consequences and considerations.

Here's another way. I could give in. I could start behaving in the ways that I see others behave. I could take without giving, I could be violent and awful. I could be ignorant and callous. I could assume the mantle of asshole American and live my life just consuming and spitting out children with some dimwitted, just as ignorant as me wife or worse, multiple women. Isn't that how it works? No? You could  have fooled me. But, just like religion, I just don't feel it.

So, where do I land? I am loved. I have a great girlfriend who is surfing this dark wave with grace and patience. I am lucky to be the one she finds attractive. I am lucky to find her very attractive. I could write volumes about how truly perfect she is. Do I use this boiling fire of anger and depression to finally drive myself out of my hole and produce the things that I want to do? Do I stop relying on others to get to the place I want to be in Theater and Performance?

This is it. I want and need help to develop a one man show. I need collaborators and assistance. I want to present myself and this drive for communion with the world. I am literally sick to death of living this half-life. Half Lie. My integrity is not being respected by me and it is becoming more and more intense to not be doing what I feel I am born to do.

Carrie Emrich is has been cajoling me to write for nearly a decade now. Everyone that remembers me performing in Bend is surprised that I am not what I was there here in Portland. I have a responsibility there, I don't audition. I often feel that I don't have the time because I am busy earning my living. So, I am going to state my Goal.

I want to start and complete a one man show. I want to overcome the sensation that I am just a fake and have nothing of real consequence to offer the creative world.

There is a saying in Russian that I have always loved: The water destroys the rock not with force, but with constant drops.

Wish me luck.

P.S. After reading and editing this, I am hesitant to post it. However, I am not going fall prey to cowardice.

Thanks for reading, sorry I am so Angsty these days.